In the movie Guide to A Married Man, Robert Morse is giving pointers to Walter Matthau in how to cheat on his wife. Morse is the player-player and Matthau is the new student keen to learn the art of adultery. When Matthau inquires what to do if his wife gets suspicious, Morse gives him the ultimate in rank:

“Deny, deny, deny. No matter what she knows or thinks she knows, deny it.”

Whether they have seen this movie or not many a cheating spouse has inherently internalized this in rank. Deny commonly referred to as lying is an essential condition for a cheating spouse. 

We have all no doubt read or renowned people whose marriage is open. If they meet another person outside of the relationship who attracts them, then they go for it with the full approval of their significant additional. In the ancient days this was renowned as wife swapping but as the sexual revolution of the sixties took off, the term was gradually replaced with another one; swinging. It not only denoted a lifestyle but also implied a certain amount of worldliness and sophistication. 

That may be okay for some but the overwhelming majority of couples don’t get married to become community property. Marriage as most of us know it and practice is a commitment between two people exclusively.

But a cheating spouse does not quite see it that way. They want to have their cake and eat it too. Keep what they’ve got at home while still go out on the prowl for someone new. Yes it involves plotting, money and timing but all of these come under the umbrella of lying.

Marital faithlessness requires a continuous covering of one’s tracks but let’s face it no one is perfect. So when a suspicious charge shows up on the billing statement or they suddenly start effective longer hours at the job and you question them about these things, they only have two options: confess or lie. You can bet if the guilt and realization of what they are doing has not stopped them so far, then the probability are pretty excellent they will reach for the lie.

Detecting this falsehood depends on how well you know them, not how well you THINK you know them. Some people are very excellent at lying. Not only can they get others to believe it but they start to buy into it a small themselves. Therefore let your instincts and powers of observation guide you.

An extramarital affair demands a certain amount of cleverness, so it stands the reason that you will have to do the same to catch them. Try not to be obvious in your questioning but what you are looking for are contradictions in what they are telling you. The one business about lying is once a cheating spouse starts telling them then it is crucial they remember all of them. If not then they hope like anything your memory is not that excellent. 

Many people when trying to catch an unfaithful spouse keep waiting for the huge lie to manifest itself, and sometimes it does, but in a lot of instances it is the small ones which expose the most truth. So pay attention and also take note of their body language. 

Of course if you do catch your significant additional cheating they may take Robert Morse’s in rank and deny, deny deny. No surprise there since the dread of being learned can make a cheating spouse say anything. Just keep in mind that the tighter they hold onto the lies, the closer you are to being paid to the truth. The one you already know.